Motherhood

Posted on April 22, 2021

It’s hard to find the words to describe motherhood, but I’ll try.

Beautiful.

Scary.

Challenging.

Joyful.

Frustrating.

Demanding.

Exhausting.

Awe-inspiring.

Also, thirsty. I have never been so parched in my entire life, and finding the time to fill and drink a glass of water is a struggle. A glass of water with ice feels like a luxury, and no, I’m not being dramatic.

Before I had a baby, I found it hard to understand (or frankly, even believe) when moms would talk about how time-consuming being a parent is, but now I get it. Oh, does my thirsty self get it.

Johnny has been going into the office one day—ONE—each week, and on those days I have Zara either in my arms or within arm’s reach for 12 hours straight.

“Surely you’re not just holding the baby all day!” pre-child me would exclaim.

Listen. You’d be surprised.

If she’s having a fussy day, putting her down provokes a fit of screaming, so I either endure what sounds like a wild banshee shrieking or stick to tasks that can be completed with one hand. A lot of the time this means I get done, well, not much.

I don’t mean to complain. The good days are something else entirely.

On those days we dance (I dance, she wiggles) to our favorite songs—Lady Gaga and Britney are on repeat—and go on walks exploring the neighborhood.

And nothing compares to walking into her nursery first thing in the morning or after a nap and seeing her face break into one of her gummy little smiles. Ugh. They’re simply the best, and thinking about how much this tiny, growing human needs me makes my stomach do somersaults and my heart feel like it’s going to burst.

Motherhood involves a constant weighing of risk versus reward.

Let the baby sleep on your chest and remain trapped on the couch underneath her with no snack, drink, or remote control in sight, or get up and risk waking her from the nap she so desperately needs?

Sleep when the baby sleeps and get a little slice of the shut-eye you so desperately need, or power through and get a shower?

It’s never-ending mental gymnastics.

More than anything, I’ve been blindsided by how much everything else in my life has taken a backseat.

Things that used to seem important—that are important!—simply don’t get done, and I’m not talking about the obvious things like leisurely weekends of sleeping in and brunching. I’m talking basic life maintenance.

I read text messages hours or sometimes days after they arrive. I’ve stopped returning phone calls entirely. Dusting, mopping and deep cleaning of any kind are pretty much nonexistent, and personal hygiene is questionable at best.

I know in the grand scheme of things this phase is just a tiny sliver of our lives and the piles of laundry can wait. I know this. But there’s still a piece of me that can’t help but feel like I’m dropping the ball left, right and center.

I’ll end on a high note with one of the best things about motherhood, one that I was totally unprepared for: how much the people in my life have rallied around me to provide support.

From close friends to old acquaintances, unexpected gifts to words of advice and encouragement, I’ve had no shortage of cheerleaders telling me “this is hard, but you’ve got this.”

It is hard, and whether I’ve in fact got it remains to be seen, but the cheerleaders make me feel like I’m at least giving it my best shot. Getting to spend every day with this chunky little peanut makes it all worth it.